F for Feminism: Episode 2 (C-H)
Disclaimer: The writers of this guide have no animosity towards bearers of the name “Tunde” and “Tunde Olakunle”.
C
Consent: To consent to something is to give your permission for it to take place.
When it comes to sex, the simple rule to understanding consent is: ask. You can even do it in a sexy way: “Baby, do you want to have sex with me Tunde Olakunle, right now in this bed at 12:43 am?” You can also do it in the court of law way ( wayyyyy less sexy but oga better for them to say you don’t have bedroom voice than for them to use you and do hashtag in your year of success o!)
“I, Tunde Olakunle, am asking for permission to engage you, Mosopefoluwa Abigail Olusegun-Lartey Admission number 1921, in coitus. Do you consent?”
Keep in mind she can say yes, and then change her mind right at the critical point. Does that make her an asshole? Maybe. But you will be more of an asshole and also a bonafide rapist if you force her to continue.
Consent is not consent if it cannot be withdrawn.
It is your responsibility to ensure she is comfortable with everything you do. If she hesitates, stop. If she says, “I don’t think I want to do that right now”, stop. Even if it is one centimeter remaining, chairman, just retract. Las las, Jergens does not require consent.
Furthermore, consenting to one sexual act, does not necessarily mean consenting to another. Also, if she consents to sex with a condom, and you take it off without her knowledge during sex, you are a rapist. If she consents to sex with you, and you produce one of your male friends in the middle of it, while she is not looking, you are a rapist. Finally, please, “no” does not secretly mean “yes”. This applies to other sex-related activities that are not penetration. While it might not be called rape, it’s still sexual assault.
Now that that’s out of the way, by law and common sense, there are a few factors that make you unable to consent to sex/sex-related activities:
1. Being underage (P.S if you’re at the ripe age of 29 and you wait for someone’s 18th birthday to have sex with them so it’s not illegal, you’re still a pedophile. Sorry, not sorry. Shout out to Nigerian married men that like to remind secondary school girls that we have “grown”.)
2. Being drunk/stoned. Basically, not in control of all your mental faculties
3. Being blackmailed or forced to consent
4. Not being fully awake and conscious of your surroundings
Things that are not consent:
- Wearing a short skirt
2. Sexting
3. Booking the hotel
If you are still confused about consent, please watch this video:
*Everything we mention here goes for both boys and girls*
D
Daughters of Chimamanda: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (Wow, the power that this name has, the majesty that it has, the grace that it has, the intelligence that it has.) is pretty much the face of feminism in Nigeria. She is an extremely talented and accomplished writer who uses her platform to advocate for women and girls all over the world.
“Daughters of Chimamanda” is used as a collective term to refer to Nigerian feminists. I think when it first started being used, it was used in a disrespectful manner, but we have turned it on its head. Why shouldn’t we be proud to be associated with CNA?
Double standards: There is no woman or girl in this country that is not aware of this, whether they know it by this name or not. Double standards show up in a variety of ways and they start in the household. “Amaka come and wash these plates!” Amaka stands up from her seat beside her younger brother Junior and goes to the kitchen.
“But mummy, Junior is watching TV! It’s not fair.”
“My friend will you keep quiet! Junior is a boy and you are a girl. Very soon you will move to your husband’s house…”
If you’re a boy reading this, think hard and I am sure you will remember a time when something similar to this happened.
From birth, boys and girls have been held to very different sets of standards. Girls are groomed for marriage, made to learn to dress “decently” and respect men, not to “spoil” themselves by going out at night and hanging out with boys, while men are allowed to be themselves, accorded higher levels of respect just because of the thing that hangs between their legs.
A double standard is a set of rules that does not affect all parties involved in the same way, and every single institution in Nigeria seems to have been informed of how to apply them. Everywhere girls go: their homes, their schools, their churches, they are reminded they have to act differently from their male counterparts in order to attain the highest status of womanhood: marriage.
E
Empowerment: This could be another way of referring to the gender-equality movement, but some people use it as a feminist-lite term: “I’m not a feminist o! But I believe in women empowerment. I am a humanist. Clap for me.” Nigerians love to hold women-empowerment events where they share bags of rice to widows but then go home to relegate their wives to the kitchens and “other rooms”.
Enabling: Giving people passes for certain-in this context, harmful-practices. Enabling encourages these behaviors to continue through the language used to address them, actions, and inactions.
A common issue that is enabled in the African society is the infidelity of men to their spouses:
“But he is a man nah. He is moved by what he sees.”
“He is not the first to do it.”
“So you want to leave your home because of that?”
F
Feminism: Where do I even begin? Feminism, simply put, is a movement that’s trying to make men and women equal (not the same). The name “feminism” centers women because women are the ones being oppressed; we have to be candid about the fact. Women need to be lifted to the status society has placed men. Don’t even get us started on how European/white women are affected differently from minority women.
The movement has been around since the 19th century, with first-wave feminists, who started trying to get us to vote, and then second-wave feminism in the early 20th century, where feminists lobbied for equality in all areas of life, sexual liberation, reproductive freedom, and the rejection of societal notions about “femininity” and how to perform it. Third-wave feminism started in the 1990s in the US, and is really when feminism became intersectional — women of color started feeling included, men started becoming feminist allies. (See “Intersectional” in episode 3) Feminism started encompassing other social justice issues as well as gender equality. Lastly, there is fourth-wave feminism which began around 2010–2012 and is propagated by the internet. It includes the sex and body positivity we see today — see Oloni and The Slumflower.
Feminism is the same thing as equality, so if you say “I believe in equality but I hate feminists,” remember that feminism tackles female genital mutilation (FGM), child marriage, domestic violence, rape, femicide, the wage gender gap, etc. — issues that majorly affect women and girls. The most common reason behind people saying this is their dislike for “angry feminists”. But feminists have every right to be angry. Ask yourself why you are more pressed by a feminist saying “I hate men” than the twelve-year-old girls being married off in the north. The generalizations and whatnot are not the issues. For goodness’ sake Tunde, it’s not about you.
Feminists want women to have autonomy in their households; not to be forced to do the laundry, and bow down to their husbands; for women to be allowed to wear sexy clothes if they want without having “If you get raped it’s your fault.” hanging over their heads; for women to be paid the same as men when they work the same job.
For women to be free the way men are.
We’ll stop here for now, but if after reading all this, you aren’t willing to do more research to educate yourself and you still decide you hate feminists, then you are a misogynist (or perhaps a pick me. See “Misandry/Misogyny” in episode 3 and “Pick me” in episode 4). Don’t worry, no need to be ashamed; there are many in the world like you. Just close this page now and book yourself an appointment with a therapist.
*A lot of misogynists use the Bible, and religion as a whole, as justification for their misogyny. e.g. Pastors that rape their church members and claim to be un-punishable because they are covered by the “anointing of God”. We also have cases of men who would encourage women in abusive homes to stay under the pretense of being a “submissive” woman. But keep in mind that one of the earliest recorded feminists was Jesus Christ, standing up for scorned women and talking to outcasts.
G
Gas-lighting: Gas-lighting is a form of psychological manipulation that makes someone question their sanity or the validity of their argument. The victims are made out to seem stupid or as though they have just been imagining their experience. For instance, say you’re unhappy with your boyfriend because he never texts you back on time or shows you enough affection. You decide to talk to him about it and he’s like “What are you talking about? I showed you affection XYZ time! You just like complaining.” And so the next time you feel lonely or abandoned, you’re reluctant to talk about it because you figure, “He’s right, I’m just too needy.”
It’s often used to invalidate victims when they recount experiences of rape, sexual assault, and discrimination. They are made to believe their bum wasn’t squeezed on purpose, and that it’s their fault they were raped because they “led the rapist on”. They begin to get confused and unsure of how the events really went down and start assuming blame. (Refer back to “Consent”.) People will also use this tactic when they ask you to discuss feminism and other related issues, only to ask you the most ridiculous questions in an effort to confuse and frustrate you. Identify these people and save your energy.
H
(Fundamental) Human rights: The most basic entitlements every human being has just by virtue of being born. For instance, you have the right to not accept assault from a Nigerian politician and to not be set on fire for stealing a cell-phone. Although it is not the case in today’s society, these rights are unquestionable except ordered by a court of law in the case of a crime. However, human rights (in Nigeria/Africa) are better crammed and poured out on Civic Education exam papers than practiced in real life on a Friday afternoon. It also appears some communities have decided girls are not full human beings and do not have the same rights as their male counterparts.
Husband: This is sometimes confused with slave-master in the African continent. The definition of a husband is literally “a married man”, in as much as many of the Nigerian ones refuse to wear their wedding rings. Not breadwinner, not make-shift father, not head of the household, not Commander of the Marital Forcers.
That’s it. That’s the tweet: A husband is a companion to a wife. Nothing more, nothing less.
Brought to you by Tritima Achigbu and Sope Lartey.
